On October 13th 2020 I stepped down as CEO of CircleUp, the corporate I started in 2011 with my co-founder, Rory Eakin. Leaving the best job I ever had — at the corporate I helped to fabricate — was once out of the ordinary and confusing. I wish I had found other tales about how the transition in actuality went and what it felt cherish. But I discovered surprisingly few first-hand accounts from founders or CEOs transitioning from their preliminary role, and even fewer that shared their full, legit list of what in actuality took space once they left and the draw they truly felt regarding the route of. With diminutive precedent to recordsdata me, I discovered the route of extremely out of the ordinary to defend an eye on, each logistically and emotionally.
That’s why I’m scripting this weblog. I’m sure I didn’t function the full lot right in executing my transition, however that isn’t the level. I’m no longer right here to portion a playbook — I don’t mediate one exists. I are searching to portion my experiences and vulnerabilities with full candor within the hope that other founders can own a helpful resource that I lacked; that they’ll learn from my abilities and in actuality feel less lonely than I own thru this route of. I also hope this share can support produce increased empathy and figuring out amongst the investors, teams and households which own backed, supported and lived with founders whose struggles might presumably well first and valuable seem opaque or impenetrable however are, in essence, deeply human.
Why I selected to step down as CEO of CircleUp
At some level of the final year, once I started telling crew participants, investors, LPs and other stakeholders about my transition, their first ask was once, inevitably, “Why?” I generally outlined that the reasonable founder/CEO of a startup is within the seat for less than 5 years; I had been with CircleUp for nine, and I was once exhausted. But there was once to this point more to it than that.
I don’t take hold of into legend the principle time I told our board that I was once exhausted and wanted to step down as CEO. I imagine it was once around 2016 or 2017, a duration outlined by anxious industry choices and physical and psychological effectively being factors. I later realized that the board interpreted my complaints as “conventional founder/CEO exhaustion”. I blame myself for that lack of readability. For years I did a sorrowful job of talking the depth of my stress and exhaustion, a neighborhood handiest compounded by the truth that, on occasion, I wasn’t even sure of my have feelings. There were stretches of time the put I felt irascible — lonely; horrified; wretched. Despair exacerbates exhaustion. But I attempted to place on a mettlesome face to be particular the board felt chuffed. There were also occasional classes the put I felt pleasure, which refined matters a ways more. The highs kept me going even supposing I knew the downs were unhealthy and untenable. It was once out of the ordinary for me to measure how out of the ordinary of my bother was once because I had young adolescents at residence, the consequence of whisper industry challenges or a classic case of founder/CEO exhaustion. What is similar outdated? There was once no components to acknowledge to that rather than to traipse by my have feelings. From 2011–17, my exhaustion felt “identical outdated”. Starting up in 2017, it no longer did. I no longer felt cherish a missionary, I felt cherish a mercenary.
The root of these unfavourable feelings might presumably well very effectively be boiled down to roughly an 18-month duration from mid-2016 thru 2017. At some level of that time, we pivoted CircleUp faraway from the authentic market. We also needed to battle thru a spherical of layoffs, the principle I’d ever needed to navigate as a CEO. They were major, however they were brutal. The participants we let traipse had joined because they believed in our product and mission. That they had performed nothing atrocious, but there was once no longer a neighborhood for them. I take hold of into legend letting traipse of someone I had identified since college. She grew to develop into to me and stated, “I took this job over something that paid more, and now what must I function?” These agonising choices kept me up at night for weeks, and I note it was once out of the ordinary more challenging on these affected.
Then we raised our first institutional VC fund (only one amongst the ways in which we monetize our tech). Whereas you happen to own got visitors in project and it looks cherish a soft job, watch if they’ve raised a valuable-time fund. It’s no longer as out of the ordinary as being a CEO, however it is miles… no longer soft. I was once doing each — running a technology company while assembly with hundreds of institutional LPs across the field to take a valuable-time VC fund. After the pivot, after the layoffs and after raising that $125m fund, we raised a gigantic spherical for the dad or mum company from Temasek and TPG. I don’t know the draw we raised a immense spherical from world-class investors right after a pivot, however we got it performed.
Concurrently, we were forced to take care of a board member who was once previous counterproductive. After we provided him out completely in 2019, I despatched this suggestions email detailing the ways in which he had disrupted our board and company. Facing this space was once one amongst the loneliest times I faced as a CEO. To be particular, this email is unlike something else I’ve despatched in my life, and I’ve concept lengthy and out of the ordinary regarding the choice to portion it. I’m no longer doing so that you simply can disparage the actual particular person in ask; the best aim is to support others who might presumably well accumulate themselves in a the same space. (Nothing has been eradicated, at the side of typos, from the electronic mail excluding names.)
That neighborhood of authentic challenges was all every other time out of the ordinary than something else I’ve faced in my profession. At the time, I told a teammate that it felt cherish I was once enjoying seven-dimensional chess ensuing from the complexity of the negotiations blended with so many conflicting challenges at work. What she didn’t know — and what most participants didn’t know — is that at some stage in that identical 18-month window, I was once also juggling personal challenges that were a ways more anxious than the hurdles at work.
It started with completely brutal fertility factors that my wife and I went thru, starting up put in 2016. As a ways motivate as college, I’ve made out of the ordinary choices with the aim of constructing a wide family. That emphasis has impacted the full lot from which jobs I’ve pursued to what meals I’ve eaten — even sooner than I was once married. So that you simply might imagine how these fertility factors impacted me and my wife, Kim. We met with 5 or six of the best fertility clinics within the nation. There were so many assessments. Indirectly, we were blessed with our second child, however it was once a particularly painful and atmosphere apart route of.
Considered one of these assessments printed unexpected, gruesome recordsdata. I was once identified with most cancers. I handiest take hold of into legend a pair of words from the principle conversation with my doctor: “two tumors”. I struggled to route of it first and valuable. I barely drink, own by no approach smoked or performed medication and figure out 5 times a week. How might presumably well I own most cancers? The doctor need to no longer were talking clearly.
But he was once. Tranquil in shock, and with my palms shaking out of apprehension, I took the elevator to at least one more ground for instant assessments — sooner than I will also even destroy the tips to my wife. Slowly, truth started to sink in and the enormity of the note “malignant” hit me in full power. I take hold of into legend crying to the nurse as she drew blood. Then I walked initiate air america hospital, hid slack a concrete pillar, and at final known as my wife. I was once shedding defend an eye on, and while she tried to be out of the ordinary, I will also hear the concern in her converse. I’d by no approach in actuality heard her shy sooner than, and I felt helpless being unable to defend up out something else to trade the space.
Two days later, I flew to a work convention in Anaheim, CA while also making an strive to agenda extra assessments and therapy. In a 30-minute Uber rush, I told my list just a few times over the phone to just a few directors at just a few hospitals (for causes that aren’t relevant to this weblog post, my medical case was once uniquely and intensely complicated). I take hold of into legend nobody stated, “I’m sorry” — they honest processed the logistics with an icy, medical precision that can also very effectively be required for somebody to work in a most cancers heart. At final I misplaced it, shouting, “why aren’t you honest announcing ‘I’m sorry’ as we disclose?” It wasn’t shapely to them, and I’m no longer contented with it, however I cracked. For the following several months, my emotions would on occasion pour out in a tidal wave of tears and yelling. Anger, frustration, apprehension, confusion — there were so many feelings to take care of. At some level of the full Uber rush, my driver hadn’t stated a note. But as we pulled as much as the hotel and I climbed out, he opened his door, stood up and gave me a hug. He then stated: “Hiya, I honest desire you to know I had the same form of most cancers. I’m so sorry.”
The most cancers prognosis was even more challenging to take care of because I mistakenly believed I shouldn’t discuss it with others. CircleUp had honest long gone thru our pivot and we were within the midst of raising that first fund and the dad or mum company spherical. At the time, I shy that the crew would allege my prognosis as an excuse to throw within the towel, that my effectively being would develop into a distraction, trigger the corporate to fail and make issues that out of the ordinary worse. I told the board and my co-founder about my prognosis, however nobody else at the corporate knew. I even hid the tips from all however just a few visitors, fearing that note might presumably well salvage out. In retrospect, I mediate I would own introduced our company nearer together by being susceptible and legit, and I no doubt wouldn’t own felt as lonely.
I had a a hit operation. Since then, I own passed thru authentic testing several times a year. To at present time, I whisper whenever I traipse to the most cancers heart at Stanford. In hindsight I must own considered a psychologist to route of what I was once going thru — the emotional toll was once a ways worse for me than the physical.
Facing the fertility space, most cancers and factors at work all as we disclose was once the hardest mission of my life. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t unexcited down, and was once continuously on edge. For weeks at a time I had blurred vision. The mix of non-public and authentic stress was once a ways previous what I will also take care of. I hadn’t had a headache in 20-plus years and now I couldn’t battle thru a full day with out experiencing crippling bother in my head. The doctors did two MRIs on my brain to detect if the most cancers had spread there. After the principle MRI, they first and valuable put concept it had. After the second they stated: “Eleven doctors own checked out this and we own particular it is no longer most cancers.” I content you that wasn’t as comforting as it might presumably also now sound as it begs the ask, “why did you need eleven?”
A pair of weeks later, I started peeing blood, most regularly. After more assessments, the doctors assured me that this most contemporary symptom was once also unrelated to my most cancers. These signs were one-in-a-million flukes. I told my most cancers doctor, “I cherish recordsdata. That’s a form of one-in-a-million flukes”. I now had a six-month-feeble boy at residence, a relentless apprehension of whether or no longer the doctors might presumably well need missed something and an ongoing slew of authentic challenges to face.
By the tip of 2017, I was once fully feeble out. Then, , the major authentic challenges were performed. We got the spherical performed for CircleUp. We raised the fund. The pivot was once slack us. My personal barriers were below better defend an eye on and we now had an toddler boy alongside with our daughter, who was once three at the time. A wide board member, Dan, known as me to narrate, “Ryan, I’ve by no approach in my profession considered a CEO as feeble out as you. Please, you must take hold of a sabbatical — no less than six weeks”. He, and other board participants, tried so out of the ordinary to defend up out the pleasurable aspect and convince me to take care of myself. But after a lifetime of gritting issues out, I told myself I didn’t wish to take hold of a destroy. I mediate an ingredient of my reaction is what Jerry Colonna calls “false grit” in Reboot.
But it was once out of the ordinary to intention back from persistence when it has been so the biggest to any success I’ve done. Grit (alongside with terrifying privilege) helped salvage me to the put I’m even supposing I own by no approach been the neatest, tallest or most knowledgeable particular person within the room. When Dan asked me to step motivate — even honest rapidly — I believed of how I had gritted out making the basketball crew as a stroll-on at Duke honest months after double knee surgical treatment and my doctor announcing I wanted to present up basketball. I believed of how I gritted out entering into industry faculty and securing a job in deepest equity after being denied by the principle 70-plus PE companies I reached out to (even offering my products and companies for free). I believed of what I had stated to Rory in 2011 after we were discussing the change of launching CircleUp: “I need you to know that I by no approach give up.” Persistence was once my superpower. But now I’ve now come to note that persistence is a double-edged sword, and my decision no longer to take hold of a destroy, to no longer take hold of more off my plate, injure me, my family and the corporate. That was once the best mistake of my profession.
From there, my exhaustion handiest grew. The job itself was once nowhere shut to as out of the ordinary as it had been within the previous, however dejected and burnout might presumably make even exiguous challenges in actuality feel cherish a immense deal. Considerations looked to stack one on high of the other. Moments of happiness were fleeting. A pair of teammates tried to support me focal level handiest on work that introduced me pleasure, however I failed at that job. I absorbed very exiguous pleasure from our wins, and quite loads of bother from our losses. I take hold of into legend a high VC, who was once no longer one amongst our investors, posted something very particular about me and CircleUp online. I learn it on my phone and as we disclose stated, “Damnit!” to my wife. I outlined that he couldn’t presumably know ample to mean these particular issues, and his feedback handiest made me wish that he in fact did. I had gotten to a neighborhood the put I handiest concerned with the losses and couldn’t procure particular issues.
I’ve at final realized that for lots too lengthy, I wasn’t particular — with myself or others — about what I wanted or wanted. Sometimes I believed I was once sending up immense red flares that I couldn’t defend my tempo, however others were honest seeing the neatly-liked united states of americaand downs of a founder. I disclose hundreds of founders own their very have model of this list, however it is no longer regularly told. I hope that my candor helps others to in actuality feel more chuffed than I did inquiring for support and more involving than I was once to confront feelings of loneliness and weakening stamina sooner than they reach a breaking level.
For me, that took space within the fall of 2019. There was once no final straw at work; frankly the corporate was once doing better than it ever had and my job was once in actuality more uncomplicated than it ever had been. It didn’t matter: I will also handiest in actuality feel bother. At final, my daughter checked out me and stated, “Daddy, you always look so sad”. She was once 5. It was once the traipse I wanted to trade.
Making the Transition
In October 2019 I told the board that I deliberate to transition out as CEO. I prepped for the conversation with my management coach and some CEO visitors, however I was once serene horrified of the functionality reaction. I then followed up with this email (integrated right here with their permission). I own changed nothing within the indicate (no longer even a typo) rather than redacting email addresses. As soon as again, I’m no longer sharing this recordsdata because I mediate it was once the best components to take care of the space, however so others might presumably well very effectively be ready to learn from my abilities. I no doubt wish I’d had examples to lean on.
The board wasn’t chuffed once I despatched that email. I don’t blame them. I knew it is miles also a out of the ordinary transition for CircleUp, however I also believed it was once the pleasurable circulation for the corporate as out of the ordinary as it was once the pleasurable circulation for me. They tried to convince me to defend, however I made it particular that wasn’t an option, that this wasn’t about any space rather than my psychological wellbeing.
After several discussions, the board was aligned with my decision however felt I wouldn’t be ready to transition within 12 months. Believing that to intention a wide CEO we would want bigger than two years of runway, the board wanted us to take a spherical. In their minds, we wouldn’t be ready to rent a fresh CEO except that was once performed, and doing each simultaneously might presumably be very no longer going to salvage performed in less than a year. I disagreed: even supposing I knew how out of the ordinary it is miles also to defend up out each responsibilities as we disclose, I was once assured it might presumably be performed.
Raising a spherical and hiring a change in parallel was once emotionally draining, in segment because I needed to narrate passion and pleasure even supposing I was once personally exhausted. I wasn’t deceptive them about my belief within the industry or my intentions going forward, however I was once making an strive to conceal the dejected I felt. Who wants to put money into an sad CEO? For investors, vulnerability or burnout is generally conflated with possibility. So I felt I had no decision however to be a source of energy for seemingly stakeholders even supposing I barely had ample energy for myself. Receive you ever ever needed to place on a factual face when company come over, even supposing you’re in a irascible mood? It felt cherish that, without a stop of dinner in study and with out of the ordinary increased stakes than awkward exiguous talk. And, for factual measure, we needed to salvage all of this performed at some stage in a world pandemic.
Tranquil, in less than a year we raised a immense spherical (no longer announced) on terms each we and the board were chuffed with. We hired an astonishing president, Carve Talwar, who was CEO on October 13th, the day I was Govt Chairman. Whereas I do know that is the pleasurable decision, there are enough elements of the job I deeply fancy and will miss. When it was once time for me to signal Carve’s offer letter, I stared at my pc display hide hide for 35 minutes. My wife came in and I cried with her. She took this report.
The Subsequent Step
Bigger than just a few participants own asked me what comes subsequent. First, I’m transferring to a full-time Govt Chairman role at CircleUp. I’m serene right here, honest with a ways less stress. I’ve labored on this transition for some time with my management coach, Ed Batista. I’ve also talked with limitless CEOs (at the side of my LIT neighborhood), visitors and advisors. Considered one of the major better books I’ve learn is Transitions by William Bridges. In it, he talks about changing into chuffed with dwelling within the “nothingness” and announcing, “I don’t know” when asked, “what’s subsequent?” A a hit and healthy transition requires one to dwell within the nothingness between the tip of one duration and the starting up put of one more. I wish to come motivate to terms with the tip of my time as CEO, though I could serene be right here at CircleUp. Indirectly I received’t be. I don’t know when that day will come. And whenever you happen to quiz me what’s after that, my acknowledge is… I don’t know.
Now that I own of project to specialize in, my feelings are refined. I’m relieved that I’m getting support within the construct of a fresh CEO. I in actuality feel sad that my glide as CEO of CircleUp has come to an stop. I in actuality feel apprehension in that I don’t know what’s subsequent, even supposing I disclose it’s healthy for me no longer to know. I in actuality feel frightened about how participants will define this transition and what narrative they’ll repeat themselves (and others). When I’ve talked about my glide within the previous, I’ve had the same issues, however these ones are increased. I in actuality feel aggravated that there are issues I will also own and can own performed otherwise. I in actuality feel skittish about my acknowledge of “I don’t know” when asked what I’ll function subsequent — that it might presumably be considered as insufficient. I apprehension about whether or no longer I could ever function something else again that I in actuality feel as obsessed with: being the Founder and CEO of CircleUp is the best job I’ve ever had.
I in actuality feel undecided about how others will react. In project, doubt isn’t respected. I’m assured some, especially in VC, will inevitably leer my list as a scarcity of grit. Would their thought of me be better if, somewhat than helping CircleUp pivot and leaving three years later, the corporate had failed in 2017? Presumably my abilities approach some VCs is no longer going to fund me again. Presumably it approach I now own more empathy for entrepreneurs. Would possibly perchance I own stuck it out if no longer for the non-public factors? I mediate so, however I will’t know the acknowledge to that any bigger than I will know the draw participants will react to this legend. My handiest hope is that it might presumably also support other founders in actuality feel less alone.
Again, all people has their issues. I’m making an strive to portion my abilities — the total and right model — so that you simply confidently don’t in actuality feel as lonely on your glide. I desire you to know that there are other founders/CEOs who in actuality feel that they function no longer own any decision however to “out of the ordinary it out” in entrance of the teams, potentialities or investors, despite what’s going on at residence. For me to take into accounta good storm of non-public issues unhappily coincided with just a few of the most serious industry choices and processes you might disclose. Is that honest glum luck? I don’t mediate so. A entire bunch participants need to take care of many issues going on as we disclose. Whereas you happen to are on this seat for lengthy ample, it might presumably happen to you. But when there’s any components to make these issues worse it’s to fail to recollect the warning signs. I will also own made it thru for longer had I searched for support sooner — that isn’t glum luck, it was once me picking no longer to lean on a broader crew to salvage thru the hardest classes.
Primarily, I in actuality feel so out of the ordinary pride in what the crew has done and own absolute confidence within the corporate’s shining future. CircleUp has constructed transformational tech and the crew has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs thrive by giving them the capital and sources they need. CircleUp now boasts a fresh CEO with an incredibly relevant background and ability space and unique legs to take hold of the corporate to increased heights. I in actuality feel angry about our roadmap. I mediate the investment to supply our technology platform, Helio, has space us as much as fabricate out of the ordinary affect and I in actuality feel appreciative of the crew participants which were right here since our first engineer, Bryce, took of project on us in 2011. I in actuality feel thankful for the partnership that Matt, Andy, Dan and other advisors and investors own given to CircleUp, and to me personally, for years. I truly in actuality feel fortunate for their support in steering the ship, particularly thru out of the ordinary times, with skill, vision, patience and salvage to the backside of. I do know I’m privileged to be in a demographic, time and geography that makes starting up something this heroic in actuality feel you might disclose. I in actuality feel fortunate to own had the possibility to originate up CircleUp with such an astonishing co-founder, somebody who positioned our shared values and the Company’s mission above personal glory. I will no longer completely whisper how out of the ordinary I belief Rory and the draw precious that belief has been each to me and to the industry as a entire.
I in actuality feel appreciative of my family and participants for helping me dream and likewise pushing me to detect that I wanted to make changes to be chuffed. And within the raze, I’m thankful for a wife who encouraged me to coach my dream in 2011 and supported me at some stage in. Within the best of times and the worst of times, she has handiest ever aged CircleUp as a selected example for our (now) three adolescents — to lumber their dreams. And most of all I in actuality feel contented with my daughter for talking her tips.
Thanks to all people who contributed to this post at the side of Ed Batista, Emma Stubbs, Grace Gellman, Henry Davis, Jordan Brenner, Kate Doerksen, Kieran Snyder, Maddy Allen, Sam Hinkie and Will Quist.